Memory
by dawneh
Summary: A short JPC weepy inspired by the Cats song of the same name...


How many times have I stood on this very spot looking down into the rippling water below me? Hundreds maybe, tens of hundreds possibly, just watching the ebb and flow of the water beneath me. I always find it hypnotic and fascinating how it continues to run year after year as the decades drift past in a blur.

I can see my reflection wavering on the waters surface; it's the face of an old man looking back at me now, not the young boy who first stood here all those years ago. My hair that was once a dark blonde has long since turned silver and the skin that had been smooth and fresh has wrinkled with the years and with the laughter and tears that is has seen. But in my eyes I can still see that young boy and I can still remember exactly how he felt as he stood on this wooden jetty beside the pub looking out over the water and dreaming of a life he was afraid to admit he wanted.

It was with those blue eyes that I had first seen the beauty of Craig Dean. I recall vividly having to look away from him the first time we met, as I felt afraid of exactly how much I wanted to touch him, even back then, before I knew what it would all mean, my feelings for Craig had begun. Feelings that would, over the years, bring me more joy and more pain than I thought one heart could ever house.

The glowing brightness of the full moon sparkles on the water as I watch it and I remember the day I took Hannah boating there. Even now I can hear her crying out as she falls and shivering with the cold as I pull her from the icy depths. And I can remember holding her chilled body against mine after making love to her, fighting back the tears that sprung to my eyes, as I finally knew without a doubt that she was never going to be the person I could love, not in the way she wanted and not in the way she deserved.

I remember standing here with Sarah the night she discovered I had been sleeping with her fiancé. The night I cruelly forced the truth to be revealed because I couldn't face the lies any longer and because I didn't want to share him any more. I recall the bitterness and pain in her eyes, the eyes of someone I had once called a friend, as I tried to make her understand that what I did was because of love. I've had cause to think back on that day so many times. To justify to myself that what I did was right, for all of us, that I acted because I loved but I think the truth is more that I acted because I was jealous. The moment I heard Craig echo to me the very same promises he had made to Sarah I knew that things had to change, I knew that I had to force his hand because it was the only way I would ever keep him.

The crazy thing is, of course, that when I finally had Craig to myself I walked away. Looking into the reflective blue of my own eyes I shake my head. "You silly boy," I whisper to a young man who has long since gone.

When you're young life seems so full of choices and it feels as if each one is important enough to change the world. As you grow older you learn that the world has little interest in your life and all you need is to cling to your own truth, to your own loves.

When you're young the idea of growing old seems as far away as another planet, something that you know exists but can never imagine seeing. But before you know it your youth has faded into middle age and middle age has passed by until you're an old man leaning on a railing holding on to the memories of a life that has gone by too quickly.

I can hear the laughter and music from inside the pub. It sounds so familiar and yet so strange. The bar's décor has changed countless times over the years and its ownership long since left the Osbourne hands. The place had never felt the same after Jack died. The strong confident Scotsman who presided over his kingdom was felled by his third heart attack and the entire community mourned his passing. It was a long time before any of the regulars felt comfortable laughing in the Dog again.

Of course most of the faces from the days of my youth are gone now. With old ages comes loss and, although you never get used to it, you learn to accept it. You learn that no one you love will be with you forever and you have to cherish each precious moment before they are all gone.

I must have been stood here for a long time now my hands are cold as they grip the railings but I feel no desire to leave this place, I need to cling on to the memories while I still can before they too slip from my grasp and are lost forever.

The water shines and sparkles as the soft breeze dances over its surface and for a moment I can see him again.

His deep brown eyes are looking at me with a gentle love as he smiles down at my reflection. It always breaks my heart to think of him, but it would break it more should I ever stop. Craig Dean changed my life, no, Craig Dean WAS my life. Sometimes I loved him and sometimes I even hated him. But mostly I loved him. I can feel him next to me but I know in my heart he isn't there, he won't ever be there again.

"Are you OK?" A gentle hand rests on my shoulder and the reflection of that beautiful dark haired boy turns towards me. As I lift my gaze I smile at the young man standing by my side. Two deep pools of chocolate that are framed by thick dark lashes pull me in and make me want to cry.

"You look so much like your granddad," I tell him as I touch his cheek softly, "He was so very proud of you."

He smiles as me as he slips into my arms, holding me in a warm embrace. My love for the young man in my arms is all consuming, it takes my breath away sometimes just to think about it, a pure perfect love, a reflection of the love I feel for his mother and the love I felt for his grandfather.

I had seemed an impossibility, that day I walked away from Craig Dean at the airport, that only ten years later we would be a family. I had never dared dream of holding a child in my arms and loving it unconditionally. I had never dared hope that I would get to raise a beautiful daughter with the man I loved and be so proud of her every day for the rest of my life.

Biologically the child had been Craig's, but in our hearts she was always ours. Our child, our daughter, the little girl that we raised and loved and watched as she grew into a stunning and confidant young woman. I had been afraid to suggest the name I wanted for the baby at first, afraid that Craig wouldn't approve, or wouldn't understand but I should have known better.

Our beautiful daughter, named after I girl I had once hurt so badly. Named after a girl who sat me down one cold winter morning and told me in no uncertain terms that if I loved Craig as much as I proclaimed then I should fight for him and not let fear keep us apart.

"Is everything OK dad?" A voice to my side breaks into my thoughts. "You look upset, maybe bringing you back here wasn't such a good idea."

"I'm fine," I tell my daughter with a sad smile, "Really Hannah, I'm fine. Just so many memories… me and Craig… our lives started in this village… the girl we named you after lived here… everything changed because of Hollyoaks… it's good to see the place again… it's good to remember…"

"We really need to be going, it's getting late. Come on Craig," Hannah holds her hand out to her son and in typical teenage fashion he chooses not to take it but rather slouches past her. "See you in the car dad."

I smile my thanks and turn back to the water for one last look. Something tells me I won't come back to this village again, but I don't need to see the places to be able to remember it. Every stone and pebble is etched deep into my heart, as is every person that I met along the way. None more so than Craig Dean. The greatest love of my life. He was my heart and my soul and he will be a part of me until it is time for me to join him again.

"I love you Craig," I whisper into the dark water and for a second I can see him by my side. His eyes sparkle brightly on the surface of the water and his soft lips curve into a smile. I smile in response as I remember the countless times I kissed those lips, running my tongue over that tempting little mole as I held him close. "I love you too," the reflection in the water mouths silently to me before fading away. Once again I am standing alone looking at the image of an old man who lived a life more filled with love than that young boy had ever dreamed possible. But now I grow weary and I'm ready for the next stage of my journey.

I'm ready to see Craig again.


End file.
